He’s just not that into you
I really didn’t want to be one of those spinster types in her late 30s with a book shelf full of self-help books. Unfortunately at 36, single again, forever inquisitive and looking for answers – and doing a psychology degree – I’m becoming dangerously close to fulfilling that stereotype. So when PRP mentioned reading It’s Called A Break Up Because It’s Broken and Mrs P and another friend suggested reading He’s Just Not That Into You, I really didn’t want to, but I did.
I really didn’t want to like them, but I did. The day after this happened, I went straight home and downloaded “He’s just not that into you” and ate it up in one sitting. It was exactly what I needed to hear. The simplicity. The obviousness. The silliness. And the naivety in thinking I was the exception to the rule. All the rubbishness of our relationship was decanted into my living room. Let’s look at some facts:
- Every time he told me he loved me, he was drunk.
- He procrastinated so long over attending my sister’s wedding, I had to book his flights for him. And then he didn’t turn up because he was ill.
- He refused to acknowledge out anniversary.
- He teased me when I put on weight.
- He continuously told me how good-looking my friends were and openly discussed fancying other girls in front of me.
- He made fun of my bingo wings
- He talked about ‘I’ instead of ‘we’ when discussing the future.
- He stopped instigating stuff to do. He never offered to pay but yet never protested when I offered.
- He stopped texting me ‘Goodnight’ – in fact he stopped ringing/texting me unless it was necessary and waited for me to instigate contact.
- He always put himself first. His worries and stresses were more important than mine.
- We always seems to end up going whatever he wanted.
- He became selfish in bed.
This wasn’t a relationship. Certainly in the last couple of months I can see now I became more and more submissive to keep him happy. The balance had gone. This wasn’t a relationship. This was a guy too chicken to dump the girl and hurt her feelings and so did everything he could think of to put her off him.
He just wasn’t that into me.
As I went through the various chapters of the book ticking off the scenarios I’d found myself in and nodding along emphatically. I felt really really stupid. How could I have let myself be treated this way? I’m such a mug. And OMG, he was such a shit!
But it’s not like he always treated me badly. We had amazing times too. We made each other cry with laughter and loved each others company – like you do with a really good friend. I’m not sure exactly when he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend and just a friend. When I nearly dumped him for not coming to my sister’s wedding, he went to lots of effort for the disappointment. Everytime he got all non-committal and I called him on it and suggested we split up, he pulled me back. Then he made me feel bad for calling him on it – like I was being high maintenance. So I stopped being high maintenance and became submissive.
And that’s when he started not being that into me.
When I realised this I grabbed my phone and deleted him from Facebook. Then I emailed my friends and asked them to unfriend him too. It’s a small thing and pretty petty I know but he was so adamant we remain friends. And yet he hasn’t even tried to contact me. I know he’s still friends with his ex and her friends on FB so I it knew it would annoy him not to have that window into my life.
This was me taking back a little bit of control and sticking two fingers up at him. Literally the next day, I noticed one of his best mates had deleted me. He’d noticed. Moaned to her about it and so she’d taken action too.
It was a small victory but satisfying. So far his other friends have kept me on there. I’m taking that as a small victory too.
He’s just not worth it.