A Little Bit of Acceptance
And I’m kinda OK with that. There I said it. Not quite out loud but if I read it back to myself, it’s like I’m saying it out loud. I think on reflection I went through bargaining and depression at about the same time. The whole “I’ll only be friends if it means we end up back together” was just a weird delusion. Looking back only days later, it seems odd that I’d even think like that. I’ve moped around a fair bit too. When I’ve not been at work or in the gym or cramming in uni, I’ve generally been staring into the distance quite sad feeling empty. Then on Friday a few things happened:
1) Channel 9 in their greatest wisdom decided to show The Notebook. Right after Broadchurch! It’s like they knew I’d be a glass of wine into my Friday evening, flicking around to see how I kill some time before going to bed. Ah yes, let’s put the most ridiculously romantic tear-jerker of a movie on, mix it with two glasses of wine (I’ll a lightweight these days) and see what happens.
Oh because that’s not all that happened.
2) In one of the million advert breaks I was flicking through Facebook on my phone and up pops a pic of Posh Boy and his friend enjoying post work drinks. He’s clearly forgotten his glasses again as he’s wearing his sunglasses – so I can’t see his eyes (which obviously must be all puffy and bloodshot from crying over me!) – but he looked good. Really good. He’s been hitting the gym, his face looks more toned. He was wearing that orange jumper I liked to cuddle up into when we’d snuggle watching a movie.
Like I was watching now. But I was alone, he wasn’t here to snuggle and I won’t ever snuggle him or his jumper again. There I said it.
And with that the floodgates opened. Torrential floods of tears. And when Noah said “It wasn’t over…it still isn’t over” I think I might have actually howled.
As soon as the movie finished, I washed my wine glass and my face and went to bed. I slept like a baby.
Saturday I went to a meditation course with PRP out in the countryside. I like the idea of meditation and strengthening your mind to control the chaos that runs riot. I’m not very good at it, but I like the idea of Buddhism and the peaceful simplicity of its values. I’ve done a couple of lunchtime meditations which has proven to help shift perspectives a little in the way I accept and approach work problems and over the past couple of weeks it’s become a nice little sanctuary where for an hour at least I don’t constantly think about Posh Boy and not being with Posh Boy. Saturday, I found it hard to focus at all. My attention span lasted a max of 4 mins I reckon before thoughts of food, The Notebook, it being over ran furiously around in my head.
It was over. I realised it more than ever and now I realised that even if by some miracle I did get him back, I’m don’t think I’d want him back. I wanted him but I didn’t want that relationship. As much as I love (d) him, and he loves/d me he never really committed to me and our relationship. He never really treated me the way I expected and deserved to be treated in a relationship. I was in it but he had one foot out all the time and that wasn’t enough for me and it was all too much for him. He told me “I can’t give you what you want” maybe 4 or 5 times. He was being honest with me. But when we argued to the point of break up, he was the one who pulled me back in.
He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have let it get to that point. He wasn’t honest enough with himself or me. And that made me really fucking angry for the next couple of days.
I went to the gym Sunday morning and kicked the shit out of 40 burpees and 40 mountain climbers (and then I died!!) I practically marched around Chadstone shopping center and I swear if I’d bumped into him, I’d have punched his lights out. So much for my zen meditation class for letting go of negative thoughts and replacing them with virtuous ones.
Yesterday at work my boss asked me if I was taking Posh Boy along to this fancy work dinner I have tomorrow evening. I said I wasn’t as we weren’t together anymore. We were in the kitchen and it was busy and she saw how embarrassed I was which made her embarrassed and awkward in turn so of course I made a joke, over-smiled to convince I was fine and went back to studying the microwave to see if my soup had warmed up yet.
I ended up telling Flatmate too after work, only it came after he’d been gushing about how he’s taking The Skank to meet his family at Christmas and he’s flying to Ireland to meet hers too! I got all choked up when I said we’d split up and he was probably moving home. Then I got mad thinking, he might not even go home and this could have all been some elaborate plan to get rid of me. But then so what if he had, it’s completely his issue. We hit a rough patch and he didn’t want to fight for us. Instead he made a fool out of himself and broke it off in the most cowardly way possible. He treated me badly. He’s been a bit of a shit. If he came knocking at my door tomorrow all apologetic, I think I’d need a fair bit of convincing on how things would be different for me to take him back.
Admitting it to people makes it real and forces you to accept it. Yes I’m sad it’s over. Yes I’m gutted we won’t snuggle again, but it’s OK because I wasn’t 100% happy in that relationship and now it’s broken. But that’s OK too because who wants to play with a broken toy?
It’s time to move on.