All of a tizz
The problem is…there’s too much going on in my head.
The problem is…even though I’m not working, there isn’t enough time in the day STILL. I don’t know where my time goes.
The problem is…I’ve only been to the gym once this week after promising myself I’d go every day and ride in at least once. I can feel my tummy growing larger as I speak and last night pizza didn’t really help matters.
The problem is…I’ve got too much time on my hands so I’m constantly thinking up new things to do. My to do list no longer fits on two sides of A4 and by the time I’ve written it out and prioritised, it’s lunchtime.
The problem is…I shouldn’t be stressed, well I’m not stressed but ‘all of a tizz’, I should be enjoying the tail end of summer. Taking advantage of not working. But I can’t. I feel too guilty and chain myself back at my desk with my laptop in pursuit of more ‘work’.
The problem is…I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I’m running around in circles.
I may not have a proper job but this is what I’m working on at the moment:
1) Finishing off my first novel.
2) I’m a third of the way through qualifying to be a civil celebrant. I have 8 more units to complete and I’d given myself a deadline of finishing them before uni starts.
3) Uni starts on Monday. My distance learning Batchelor of Social Science starts on Monday. That’s in 3 days time. I’m totally unprepared despite having had 2 months to prepare. In fact I’m so unprepared, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, to prepare.
4) My new business, iMonkey.me has absorbed most of my time this week. Writing content, touting for business, marketing it, tweaking the site, checking the stats. Searching for freelance work but not actually doing any because I’ll get distracted by the next thing.
5) I want to write. I really love writing but I always seem to push it down the to do list. I have a list of no less than 7 articles/posts I want to write. I actually want to try pitching. Properly and see if I can make a go of this but self-doubt is stopping me. I don’t think I really believe I can make a career out of writing. I end up sketching something out then feeling silly because I know I can earn a six-figure salary doing what I’ve done for the last 12 years. So I give up, log back onto Seek and apply for random jobs I know deep down I don’t want.
6) Applying for jobs I know I don’t really want but feel it’s expected of me. It’s expected that I’ll earn good money and have a good lifestyle because that’s what I’ve always done. I have bills to pay and now Posh Boy’s on the scene, I don’t want to be a burden and don’t want to be a bore insisting we have cheap weekends all the time.
7) Panicking about money. I’ve spent around $100 this week which is brilliant. It means I have $100 for the weekend. If I keep this up, I can afford to be unemployed for another 4 weeks. I’ve given myself 3 before I start selling myself on Grey St. I’m exaggerating, I have a secret squirrel pot that I don’t want to touch but 3 weeks means I need to get a temp job now!!! So I start applying for temp jobs and part-time jobs and freelance jobs and then when the phone doesn’t ring I start doubting myself again.
8) Being social. I’m trying to be as social as possible but it’s hard. Any time I’m not chained to the laptop, I feel like I’m wasting time. I go to PT, I have dinner at WROS’ and plan to brunch with the girls and ex-colleagues but it’s all money that I shouldn’t be spending. So I go back home, pull the laptop onto my knee and accept the Flatmate’s offer of beer.
You see there’s plenty going on, but I’m lacking focus. I took an hour out today to watch Grand Design and talk to Flatmate. Whilst talking, I realised I really should follow my heart and continue with the writing even if it means not earning the big bucks I was earning. I can work as a temp, run my business on the side and write as a freelancer. So long as it pays the bills. If a good perm job comes along then great, but otherwise I’ll stop chasing the corporates. It may mean the mini mansion in Mt Martha becomes more of a pipe dream but I promised myself I’d give this a go and I need to be true to myself.
Wow – that was quite some ramble!
P.S. If anyone knows of any good, trustworthy freelance writing sites, please let me know in the comments. Thank you x
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